When you feel trapped in a bad situation, it’s hard to remember that you can always start over. Even if you do remember, “starting over” becomes this ambiguous, scary thing that seems insurmountable.
What could it look like? It’s different for everyone. It could mean simply cutting people out of your life or leaving a career to start something new. As it was for me, it could mean uprooting yourself, getting rid of most of your belongings, and saying goodbye to friends or family.
Essentially, I was starting from scratch.
When I returned to my apartment in Washington Heights after my first trip to Hawaii, I knew I was making the right decision.
I had a lot of things I needed to get done.
First on the list, get rid of all my furniture and condense all of my belongings into a few suitcases. This was surprisingly easier than I thought it would be, though stressful. I sold some things, and I gave away others.
Marie Kondo had it right. You should let go of things that no longer bring you joy. So, I Marie Kondo’ed my life.
Even though I lived alone, I had friends in the city who were willing to help me move heavy things. I’m still thankful for them.
With my belongings condensed and ready to go, I began saying goodbye to all the people I loved in the city. This included my ex.
(As I write this, I am a bit ashamed to say I was still in contact with my abuser until the day I left. Some family members who know what I’ve been through told me they don’t think I should be writing about this anymore. I know it’s not good to ruminate on things. Letting go is the best way to move forward, and this is my way of doing that I suppose…)
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It was late on my last night on the block.
A friend was helping me pack my suitcases into his car so he could bring me to the airport the following morning. I got a phone call from my ex who flagged me over to his car a block over. I don’t remember any of our conversation except that he said, “I love you, and I won’t forget you” before speeding away. Maybe he did love me in his own twisted way, but it was not something I could continue living with. To this day, I still see the effects of this awful relationship and behaviors I need to unlearn. I knew I was damaging myself by staying in that living situation. It was time to cut ties and get out.
I got into the car with my belongings, and my friend drove down FDR over Randall’s Island into Queens where I would stay the night. Looking out the window watching the city lights pass me by, I cried quietly while thinking to myself, “I did this. I made this city mine. Now, it’s time for something new, and I got this.”
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So many young people move to New York with big plans and dreams. A select few are able to make it work and see their dreams come true. Others become so jaded by living life on hard mode for so long that they lose sight of their magic. I can fully say that I made one of my dreams come true, and I’m so proud of myself for that. Did I become jaded in my journey? Absolutely.
The city changed me in good ways and bad. After learning to survive it, I’ll take it with me wherever I go. The hardest part was leaving.-
Stepping off the plane in Honolulu, the familiar tropical humidity welcomed me. I was so ready to start living instead of surviving.
My first few months there were not easy, but they were exciting. I moved many times from place to place trying to find a long term stay. It wasn’t hard to meet people. It was harder for me to loosen up and be open to meeting people. I started my regular routine again: work, bike, gym, salsa dancing.
I began exploring the island on my own based on recommendations from locals at the coffee shop. I met so many kind people while hiking, swimming, and surfing. I left a job that didn’t value me, and I found a new one. I started drawing again.
I was finally reconnecting with who I am and what I wanted.
It felt so good.
Starting from scratch was definitely scary, but the thought of staying where I was miserable was even worse.
There were many lessons living solo in Hawaii would teach me.
And I was more than up for it.
(To be continued…)