I was talking to a friend the other day about how scary it can be to move to a place without knowing anyone there. This is something that comes up a lot when people talk to me about solo travel. Of course, it can be scary.
Who will you rely on?
Who can you turn to when you need help?
Who can you explore with?
As a woman that’s traveled alone and moved to new places without knowing many people, I’ve experience this fear. I’ve learned so much by pushing through it. I felt I had no choice if I wanted fulfillment.
When I arrived in Hawaii, I knew no one. This was a bit different than when I moved to New York where I had a group of friends, one of which I was very close to (and still am).
Yet, I felt that I had to be there in the middle of the Pacific. After living through so much crap (my ex stealing money among other things), this was the first place I felt like I could breathe again. It helped that I was so far away from anyone or anything that hurt me in the past. I was able to heal, finally.
If I’m being honest, it was not the best feeling at first, learning to shed all the negativity I had been carrying with me. Breaking bad habits is never easy. There are still things I need to work on, too.
Things felt easier when I was able to stop the crying and blaming myself for all the things that had gone wrong in the past few years. I even started going on dates, although I had a slight hatred for men at the time. I told one of my dates this. He asked, “Sooo, are you a lesbian?” I laughed. At the time, I kind of wished I was.
Dating helped me feel less alone, in addition to salsa dancing. Both activities gave me an excuse to go out and meet people.
I swear I could write a book with all the experiences I’ve had in my dating life. To be fair, I have no one to blame for that except myself. I own that, and I will not claim victimhood (not any longer). At the time, I deeply wanted to shed the hatred that still lingered because of the last few guys I dated.
The thing is, I was learning that I needed to be more selective with who I spent my time with. I had finally gotten to a place where I was perfectly content being alone. Loneliness came sometimes, but these moments became more and more fleeting as I began to grow my network.
Lesson # 1 — You don’t always have to feel lonely when you’re alone… even if you’re alone most of the time. This is important to know, and it’s one of the most comforting lessons I learned along the way. I was perfectly fine going to the beach and swimming on my own. Being in nature, it sometimes feels like you’re not even alone. The birds, the fish, and even the people who wave at you are all part of nature, and we’re all here together.
Ironically, when you find contentment in being alone, it’s so much easier to meet new friends. I got to this point where I just did not care if I was on the beach alone, if I went to the bar alone, or if I was swimming alone. Not in a reckless way. It was more that I had reached a new level of confidence in who I am and what I have to offer.
Because of this contentment, I met one of my closest friends in Hawaii. I was swimming alone looking for an octopus, and I heard someone nearby callout that they were also looking for one. So, I swam over and asked if she wanted to team up to search. We didn’t find one, but we ended up exchanging numbers and we became friends. She invited me to her wedding, and I met her family when they visited.
Lesson # 2 — Meeting people is easier than we think. Just say “hi” and begin a conversation. Sometimes we get so in our heads about meeting new people, especially if we are doing it solo. It doesn’t need to be a whole ordeal. What do you have to lose by saying hello and starting a conversation? If it doesn’t work out, then at least you tried.
Trust was another hurdle that I had to overcome in meeting new people who would eventually become friends.
After going through some awful experiences, I felt it was difficult to trust anyone. I also found it difficult to ask for help from anyone. Asking for help felt like I was almost admitting that I couldn’t do things alone. Stubborn as I am, I didn’t want to admit that. I had to though, especially when I knew I wanted to move to Hawaii. I had furniture that I physically could not move on my own.
I found myself running into scenarios where people would offer their help, and my automatic instinct was to decline them. This was a habit I realized I needed to break. Most people, I’ve learned, wouldn’t offer their help if they didn’t truly want to. In addition, if the help is offered and declined, it’s less likely they would offer again. Because of this, you would have less opportunity to accept an act of kindness from a potential friend. Consider this before you auto-decline help.
Lesson # 3 — There are genuinely kind people who are willing to help you. The question is… are you able to trust or accept.* Sometimes we get so in our heads about meeting new people, especially if we are doing it solo. It doesn’t need to be a whole ordeal. What do you have to lose by saying hello and starting a conversation? If it doesn’t work out, then at least you tried.
I will caveat this lesson with 2 more lessons that carried over from 5 years living in New York.
Lesson # 4 — Street smarts go a long way. Maybe don’t accept help from someone that follows you out of a dark alley. Generally, we know when something is off with a situation. Trust your gut and lean on your street smarts when needed.
Lesson # 5 — You really can rely on yourself for most things, and when you do, you feel empowered. It feels good to know you can do things on your own. Often times, relying on yourself first can be a form of self-love. You might find you enjoy it once when you do it more often.
After a year of learning these lessons, meeting new friends, and shedding the baggage that suffocated me, I found life to be lighter. I was the main character in my story again, and I was my own heroine.
Because I knew my capabilities, I put up with far less from people in my life. To me, if you were unable to add anything positive to what I already had going on, then there was no need for you to be in my life.
Lesson # 6— You reduce the amount of bullshit you’re willing to put up with when you realize you got it on your own. This was a big one for me as a woman who went to a Catholic all-girls high school. I was taught that I needed a man. Biologically, yes, a man is needed if you want to have your own children one day. But you do not need to rely on a man to live your own life. You are perfectly capable of that on your own, and when you are ready to have a family, the choice is yours on who you are capable of doing so with, as partners.
I also expected way less from people. I still had a bit of chip on my shoulder after the months went by, but I was able to shed more of this as time went by.
After a number of dates, I was surprised by a local guy.
I met him for our first date at the beach.
The waves were still bigger then. He got into the water to body surf. A few moments later, I joined, and he was surprised. Many girls don’t get in the water, especially with bigger waves.
I didn’t want to miss out on the fun.
We’ve been together since then.
He’s the kindest man I’ve met, and I’m glad I found him.
I find it’s always worth facing a fear to grow as a person, and I recommend solo travel to everyone.
Go fall more in love with yourself and the world