Sometimes you can surprise yourself by what you’re capable of. I think, for many people, 2020–2021 were the years for finding that out.
At the end of 2020, like so many, I was miserable.
I can be quite stubborn, and as someone who loves New York, I felt compelled to stick it out through the pandemic. Somehow, I decided leaving wasn’t an option for me, even though I was completely alone during lockdown in a deserted city. I had an apartment that I loved (which, if you’ve lived in the city, you know this is a feat), regardless of the fact my ex lived across the street.
Looking back, I know I would have stayed.
In the interest of parallel universes, 2020 would, without doubt, be one of those occurrences that creates a divergence in the timeline. If the pandemic didn’t happen, I’d probably still be in that apartment, and I would have missed out on so much…
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It was November 2020, and I was starting to meet up a little more with friends (masked and distanced).
Up until this point, I was struggling so hard because I was living in solitude for so long. The highlights of my day included taking a walk around the block just to be outside, going for bike rides down the west side by the Hudson River, and going to get a chicken wrap from the bodega guys who became my brothers.
Being so alone was very dark at times. I cried myself to sleep a lot. However, it made me realize the difference between being alone and being lonely.
I can fully say that sometimes it’s enjoyable to be alone. Maybe even most times. I learned how to keep myself occupied and how to get myself out of a bad mood. It was liberating.
In those moments of loneliness, stepping outside to the sounds of people cheering for essential workers was all I needed to remember: we’re never truly alone. Even in a place less populated than Manhattan, in a desert or in the middle of an ocean, we are forever connected to something greater than ourselves:
Nature, and the animals contained within her.
Images that will forever be engrained in my mind are those of animals returning to deserted cities, not long after lockdowns. This world is their home, too. We forget that when we get caught up in the hustle. The concrete jungle will always be second to the original, although it may be loved just the same.
The more time I spent outside, uptown, in the parks, the more I realized this, and the more I wanted to explore.
I cannot tell you how many bike rides I went on during this time, or even how long I spent out there, biking through empty streets downtown that were previously packed, zooming through Times Square like it was just another street. I was finding ways to keep myself happy, but still, I was starved for interaction.
One friend that I began meeting up with frequently told me she was planning to celebrate her birthday by planning a trip to Hawaii. She loved to travel, and she had much more experience at it than me. She said that it might be the only opportunity to go because flights were so cheap at the time, and Hawaii is so expensive. After that conversation, I debated whether or not I wanted to risk travel at that time. I know some will read this and think differently about me for even considering travel at the time, but I would ask these people:
Have you ever ruminated on the pointlessness of your existence while the thought of death grips you daily in a lonely apartment? Were you ever forced to remain in an abusive “situationship” due to circumstances which seemed out of your control?
I booked the flight later that night, spurred on by the emptiness of my apartment and an instinctual need to run. I was able to afford island-hopping from Oahu to Maui and Big Island.
I was excited. A feeling that briefly allowed me to surface from the dark place in which the lockdown placed me.
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Because the tech industry suddenly became fully remote, many of my coworkers at the time left the cities they previously called home and began living like nomads.
I remember listening to one of the product managers telling me about his and his partner’s plans to travel throughout the US in a van, staying at different Airbnbs for extended periods in places they liked. I thought this was incredible, and potentially safer than staying in the city.
With this “digital nomad” life playing out before my eyes, I wondered if this might be something I could do.
Would I, a solo female, be okay doing this on my own?
I knew I was capable of being alone and taking care of myself in the toughest NY neighborhoods, but this nomad life would be on another level. Maybe even global.
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Waiting for the plane to land in Hawaii was excruciatingly suspenseful.
This was a place I never thought I’d be able to visit. It’s literally a far off, distant land, in the middle of the Pacific. Like, what the hell? I never thought I’d even leave Louisiana.
When I landed in Maui, I was greeted by my friend and the group that I would be staying with for about a week. With them, I experienced so much and learned so much that I will never be able to fully articulate. In my time island hopping, I felt the weight I was carrying from my living situation back in New York easily lift itself off of me. I felt happier than I had been in very long time.
Those days I spent roaming around Oahu solo were some of the most healing days of my life. I could finally breathe again with the haunting shadows from back home slowly fading away.
Because of the pandemic, beaches were mostly deserted, even in Waikiki which is normally packed. I drove all around the island, and I met a few locals who were nice enough to simply give me a smile or tell me what’s good, even though they knew I was a haole (tourist). I was able to experience surfing alone at sunrise. With turtles popping their heads up to greet the day and the sun lighting up the sky with neon colors, I made one of the best decisions of my life.
I decided to leave New York, move to Hawaii, and become a digital nomad.
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I told my friends this, and they looked at me like I was crazy.
Maybe I was.
In order to get back to Hawaii, where my nomad life would start, I decided to get rid of all my furniture and consolidate everything I owned into 2 suitcases.
I also had to tell my team at work that I would be living in Hawaii for a while. Because the company I worked for was based in New York, this meant I would start most of my days at 4 a.m.
I did not care.
Some things are worth the adjustment.
(To be continued…)