For women in search of themselves
I’ve been meaning to write something like this for a while. Admittedly, I wasn’t sure how to articulate what I want to say because it started out as conflicted feelings of jealousy and pride. I’m still not sure if I can gracefully communicate what’s been on my mind. Forgive me if these words don’t make much sense.
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There’s a memoir titled “What I Was Doing While You Were Breeding” by Kristen Newman. When I was living in Astoria, NY, my roommate recommended this book to me. I enjoyed listening to audiobooks on my commute to work and while working as a designer. The kitschy title was enough to catch my attention, so I dove in.
At first, I thought Newman was a strong female protagonist. She challenged society’s notions of femininity and purpose, and she traveled the world instead of feeling stuck. The premise was relatable to me as a single woman from South Louisiana on the verge of 30.
I enjoyed Newman’s comedic recollections of her life and her travels. In fact, it inspired me to do my own solo trip. Traveling alone showed me parts of myself I never knew existed, and I gained a confidence in myself that was severely lacking. I now knew that it was possible to enjoy a life outside of the traditional path of wifehood or motherhood. I could seek fulfillment on my own.
Strongly held notions of what a feminine life could be were now challenged, and paths opened up before me as I began to truly question what I wanted in life and what my purpose could be.
Did I want marriage?
Did I want kids?
Did I want to travel for the rest of my life?
Did I only want to pursue my career?
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There’s another side of the coin when you gain the confidence to find fulfillment for yourself, by yourself.
Is that what you truly want?
Is living for yourself, by yourself something you want to do for the rest of your life?
In the book, Newman went gallivanting around the world with “interesting” friends, going to exotic places, and having steamy affairs with attractive locals. The first couple of trips were entertaining stories, exciting even.
And then she does it again. And again. But this time it’s Australia. Oh, now it’s Central America! Oh look, same exact story, but in a new location. The monotony of it didn’t upset me as much as her approach to the people in her life. Newman, who goes on these journeys to define herself, grow as a person, and seek new adventures, is consistently critical and harsh of her friends who take the more traditional path. She insinuates they abandon her to seek fertility treatments and life partners.
In the end (spoiler alert), she realizes that she can only ignore gaps in her fulfillment for so long, and she ends up on the same traditional path as the friends she so harshly criticized.
Although Newman inspired me in the beginning of the book to travel, I was appalled when I saw how she continuously spoke about her friends who were settling into a traditionally feminine life.
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As a woman who experienced being “the last single friend,” I know it can be difficult to watch your close friends enter new phases in their lives while you feel left behind.
If you want a traditional family life, it can take everything in you to not become bitter, thinking there are no good men left. You begrudgingly go on date after date while you ask yourself, “when will it be my turn? will it ever be my turn? is it too late?”
If you don’t want that traditional life, you realize that you will see less of your old friends as they become new parents, and you should find new friends to spend the majority of your time with. Friends who are still single or, like you, don’t want a traditional life. It’s not that you won’t see your old friends anymore… it’s just somehow different now.
Either path you’re on, it’s hard.
At the time, I wasn’t sure what path I was on, but I would have been okay with either, I think. I had to be, right?
What I am sure of is this — I could never watch my friends happily enter into motherhood and think, “how could they abandon me?” That’s the last thing on my mind, regardless of the difficulty of my situation.
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Words cannot express the beauty that lies in friendships that continue for 10+ years. I’m blessed to have that in multitude, just as I’m blessed to have witnessed my friends become women, wives, and mothers.
These girls are my sisters, regardless of how long it’s been since I’ve seen them. They’ve encouraged me to chase my dreams, and they’ve supported me in my wildest ideas — like moving to Hawaii, alone, like a crazy woman. They even put up with me while dating guys who weren’t right for me.
Because I had so many bad experiences with guys who weren’t the best for me, I wasn’t sure if the traditional life was for me. I was a man-hater for a while, and I started to think, "why not just play the same game as them?..."
I was about to go down the same path as Newman in her book. I had plans to go gallivanting, quite literally, around the world. I didn’t realize I was lying to myself about what it was I truly wanted, avoiding the dating pool and chasing temporary highs to fill gaps I didn’t know existed. I was too proud to admit I could be anything but fulfilled.
Before I left to pursue my travel plans, I visited home and met with my girls.
We did a potluck. Some of their husbands and kids were there, too. We caught up like no time had passed since we were teenage girls, giggling during a sleepover, eating raw cookie batter. It felt surreal to see all of them, some pregnant, some with kids, some newly married. I could look at them and see past and present simultaneously. These girls I met in our awkward days of high school were now women, mothers, and they never looked happier.
Where that bit of pride previously took residence in my heart, pure vicarious joy flooded in. It woke me up.
This was the moment I realized I was lying to myself. I set my pride aside and realized I still wanted what they had. It was then that I decided to start dating again, with intention. Not long after, I found my husband. I may never travel around the world on my own, but for me, fulfillment lies in building a family instead.
Maybe Newman was trying to get at this.
She eventually realized that traveling to exotic places and having steamy affairs wasn’t really what she wanted. It was a bandaid over the pain she felt while searching for what she wanted out of life.
The point could have been made without hating on her friends and other women who are on the traditional path.
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Now that I’m no longer “the last single friend,” I wanted to put something out there for the women who are looking for some sort of solidarity on their path.
Whatever path you’re on, sis, you’re going to be okay…as long as you’re true to yourself.
Question what motivates you to stay on the path you’re on.
Question if you’ll find what you truly want by continuing down your path.
Do the hard things to get to where you want to be.
And support your friends while they go their own way. We’re all on a journey that takes us to unimaginable places. Hold fast.
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To my girls, I’ll miss you while I’m away starting my journey into “traditional femininity,” and I can’t wait to see you again at our next potluck.